Are they sick or just wanna be heard?
The journey from “are you okay?” to “I am okay"…
By :- Jasmine khan
One fine morning she woke up and could just feel the “morning”. She felt weak but no signs of sickness. There was this rough feeling or say confusion about that “good” in the morning that Sunday. It was the 4th time she left swiped the snooze icon without even looking at the phone under her pillow and the door knocked for the 3rd time which soon started banging loud… loud enough to irritate her for no reason but “her reasons”. It did not take her long to realize it was 10 in the morning and the breakfast was missed again today. But the question is…“was she even starving at all after skipping dinner last night again?”
Confusions start wrapping chains and the web of thoughts blocked the last ray of the day from the curtain she did not want to look behind even once to face the sun. All she wanted today was a dull and dark room she used to be scared of but still trying to find a comfort zone in as if the sun was still not up or maybe she wanted it to set the minute next to skip that day.
She finally decided and forced herself to get out of her bed but wait…what’s wrong? Did the bed convert into a quagmire that was in love with her she was “falling in" that kept grabbing and pulling her back? The blanket felt cozier than ever before and she felt it as warm and safe as was her mother’s womb she never wants to get out off . So, she finally decided to stay longer..
Why don’t they get it? I just cant.. I am trying…help…listen…please…leave me alone…no wait…stay….. “NOTHING I AM JUST OKAY”.
Gadgets are her bestfriends these days but she doesn’t talk to them as well. They call her sick when her eyes look like a winter halo and dark as eclipse. Is it justified to blame the bright screens and netflix for the changes on her faces?. Or, is the screen just an easy escape for her like putting on blinkers?. No, there is no race here to focus on, but a world to avoid, hide and run away from. Does that mean she’s scared? Think… you can do it come on..
Okay, so lets try music. She clicks on Youtube and the universe gives her a sign…but she is too scared to accept it and scrolls down to something that makes her feel slide back into her shell. The subscriptions and bells find new channels that had words that broke her even more every moment but wait… she finds it the only voice that speaks her heart out and not judge her with questions. So, yes music it is. That’s exactly when she steppes into “the crying phase" and they confuse her more when they have no reason to flow.
Ow right! Alcohol. How could she forget this one vaccine everyone suggests?. She spends well on an expensive one to make it worth and promising to stop on the 2nd round to be exact.And that night,after an hour she realizes she could not walk herself down even to the washroom…so she rolls the empty bottle with her to throw it in the bin while dragging her unconscious body along on the floor. And she felt great with no regrets..no more thoughts.. no more questions.. no more judgements.. no more answers and it was a good night finally. She closes her eyes and opens them after a “decade”.. according to her happiness and headache. But as soon as she wakes up.. everything was back to normal which she expected to be changed over a night and a bottle she believed to be a tonic of “immortal happiness” has broken. They say this was the moment that should have opened her eyes but that’s exactly when she opened another classy bottle with a loud “cheers” that night again. And not having someone to “cheers” her back made her feel happier.
Hmmm… Friends and family. That’s the best option right?. She decides the same and tries to “talk”… talks for 25 minutes straight with no pauses and finally…stops. The weird look on everyone’s face made it clear to her that the words were only in her mind and never came out. They keep echoing inside her head.. sometimes sobbing and mostly shouting at the top of her lungs with thoughts stuffed in her mouth stopping them from reaching out to someone. She wants to be heard but not by words and wants to be hugged but not after judgement.
And finally one day they sit next to her and ask… “are you okay?”. This makes her emotional enough to choke her throat and she finally could see the perfect moment to “talk". But before she could speak.. questions start raining with no question marks…but full-stops.
“Did you guys breakup? Did you fail in the exam? Did they fire you? Are you pregnant? Are you menstruating? Stop overeating please… enough of this drama”.
The reasons are flashing bright in bold letters easy enough to be read on her face but this time she does not want to answer…as words can do no justice to her “mental state”.
Yes she is not okay… but “fine”… and the only thing she needs right now is to be heard without speaking because if there were any words in the best of dictionaries in this universe that could describe what “she is going through"… the world would have heard them before calling her SICK.
I am okay… are you???
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Sun Mental Health PDX Mental Health Fdn Insp Michael Brown I Am Women for Women Int’l UN Women
